I DON'T FEEL HEARD

Strategies to be a good listener and respond to your partner's needs and wants

“We’ve been together all these years. They should already know what I want and need!”

Oh man.  How many times have I heard this statement in session?! 

I’ve had the privilege of working with couples in their 20’s as well as in their 80’s. This one statement of “why should I tell them what I want or what I need” is universally expressed.  No matter how many years a couple has been together, communication is always necessary and super important. When something is missed or misunderstood then all hell can break loose. We know this! In all areas of our life, we need to communicate. And well. In the workplace, at home, with our adult children, with our parents, and especially with our closest confidants.  

 A common discussion in couple’s therapy is…I DON’T FEEL HEARD. Often when someone is sharing what they want or need, the partner is already preparing a rebuttal. The defensive stance and responses begin, and their own needs and thoughts get interjected WITHOUT hearing what their partner is really asking for. 

Here’s an example of a couple dealing with infidelity and needing good communication to help the situation:

Partner 1: Hey babe. I’m worried you are in communication with the person you were involved with. When you get on your phone and seem to be keeping it away from me, I get worried.

Partner 2: Oh, come on. I’m just on my phone surfing the net. Can’t you be more secure with yourself and know that was in the past. Why can’t you move forward?

Here’s how I would’ve liked Partner 2 to respond:  

Babe. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m sorry. I’m on my phone surfing the net is all. I’m yours. You have me. I don’t want to make that same mistake again. I’m wanting to rebuild trust with you.

 What a difference that response makes! It would help the situation a whole lot more versus not at all empathizing and becoming defensive. If a couple is needing to rebuild trust, then a certain way of communicating is crucial.

Here’s another exchange between a couple: 

Partner 1: Hey, I really am needing to feel closer to you. I am missing our cuddling on the sofa and sharing about our day. We used to do that a lot and I haven’t felt close to you in such a long time.

 Partner 2: Wow. Really? I was just with you yesterday on the sofa and we were watching TV together.  What more do you want?

I laugh as I type this common scenario. I’ve heard renditions of this same argument over and over in session. 

Here is how I would’ve like Partner 2 to respond:

            Really? I didn’t know you were feeling like that. I thought our time on the sofa yesterday was good. I understand you needing to feel closer to me. I’ll try to be more attentive to what you’re asking for. 

BAM…doesn’t that sound like Partner 2 heard the request and then sent back how they were going to be there for them? 

 One more example:

            Partner 1: Hey babe. I feel like we need a date night. I love when we go out and get dressed up and have time alone without the kids. 

            Partner 2: I have too much work to deal with. I don’t like to go out without the kids. It’s too much trouble finding a babysitter. 

 Partner 2…here ‘s one way you could’ve responded: 

Yea babe. I love going out with you too and I’m sorry we haven’t been able to make it happen. I’ve got a lot of work stressors right now and finding a babysitter can be difficult. Let’s see if I can make some time for us in the next week to go out. Let’s try to find a babysitter too. I know it’s important for us to go out together.

The empathy and understanding from your partner can make a huge impact on your relationship. When someone says…yea, I hear you…that can make ALL the difference in the world.  

I also know my examples of how to respond can be “easier said than done.” We have our own histories, our own thoughts and fears that get ignited when in a situation that requires us to share our feelings and deal with issues. In therapy you can learn how to understand yourself better and how to express yourself to your partner without getting defensive. If you get defensive, therapy can help you understand where that comes from.

When we keep our partner’s feelings and wishes in mind, responding in a good way will help the situation get resolved. We should make an effort to HEAR what they are asking for without putting a disagreement or defense to their request. 

Good communication is the basis for every single relationship in your life.